It's been a while since I have been able to write. I have been busy moving, graduating, meeting family, and enjoying the Christmas break. This Christmas has definitely been one of the best in my short life. I have been inducted into two new families. Being engaged has taken my relationships with Matt, family members, and friends to a new level. I feel accepted amongst his family as a new daughter/niece/granddaughter. A new group of people are welcoming me into their social circle: adult women. I also feel slightly awkward as I transition (however slowly over 6 months) out of my (not as active as it once was) college social life. Being able to spend so much time with Matt this past month has slowed the effects of graduation and engagement, but as time continues to move forward, I know I will be forced to face the changes.
In my transition to truly independent adulthood (which won't be completed until June), I have noticed one of my biggest dislikes and fears about adulthood creeping up on me. O God, help me so that I do not become one of those control-freak, discontent, middle-aged women!
Control-freak
I saw this to be especially clear when I helped box up Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes in Tally. A middle-aged woman, who is obviously so dedicated to the cause (note of sarcasm) that she came to do the manual labor in her church clothes straight from the service/lunch made sure to direct everyone there on who was to do what and also thrived from our need to ask permission or for instructions. Absurdity!
I notice that a lot of these middle-aged women seem to have some sort of insecurity that drives them to demand control over situations and submission from all who are involved. I believe that it has to do with pride. Their pride is seriously wounded when they are told what to do or have to share the glory of success in execution or creativity. God calls for humility in His people. We cannot do His will successfully when we try to tell Him where we are supposed to go and what we are supposed to do. Only God has absolute control and we will be utterly disappointed with our wrong choices (made from missing the big picture). Furthermore, if we become a dictator over these small activities, we snatch the opportunity for other people to grow and feel satisfaction from hard work. I love this verse "Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies." I Cor. 8:1b.
Discontent
As I spent time with middle-aged women, I heard a lot about buying more Christmas tree decorations on sale and weight-gain. Truly, I did not witness a lot of self-control. These ladies buy more and more crap every year when all the Christmas stuff goes on sale. They have boxes of Christmas decorations, which looks like clutter when displayed. I guess decorating is fun, but not worth it to spend that much money! Furthermore, all the ladies told me that I was so skinny and that I could eat anything I wanted but they were old and weighed too much. I have flab around my core. I have to watch what I eat and exercise (2 disciplines I am trying to learn). When you get older, you gain weight. Period. As long as you are healthy, that's all that matters. Being attractive has a lot to do with confidence and knowing how to style yourself... meaning don't be stuck in the 80s!! Plastic surgery, tummy tucks, face lifts, and collagen injections will work for only so long. When you get old, your body is not going to look like its 30 years old, so sooner rather than later, those treatments will look very unnatural. I hope I can maintain my youthful looks, but I would rather have elegance because that's timeless.
O God, I hope I don't spend my life never being satisfied with anything! I am starting to see how empty that all is. Sure, I want a nice home, or even a nice wedding. But, if I constantly covet so-and-so's wardrobe or whatever, I will miss the satisfaction in my circumstance or in myself. I don't want to waste my time talking only about Victoria Secret's semi-annual sale (even though I know I do). I like this verse: "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." Phil. 4:11
I am going to miss Intervarsity in Tally. They showed me that a Christian group can dismiss the "pecking order" and cliques and enjoy a loving community. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't assume some sort of leadership role (sounds cocky...), but I am so happy that I was able to recieve some of the best discipleship I have ever had. It wasn't about being a leader there. It was about being a part of a community. They used to call me to hang out just because they liked me, not because they wanted to disciple me and see where I was spiritually. How refreshing.
Wellllll......... this is a super long post! Haha, I've had all this stuff in me for a while I guess. Now to study for the GMAT.... I promise....
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