Awake the dawn

I really enjoy getting to school really early in the morning for many different reasons:

• Parking is abundant
• Nice, cool weather
• Pumpkin muffins and coffee on Thursdays
• Seeing the sunrise

The sunset is a very intense, passionate part of the day. The colors are dramatic; the sun goes out in flare.

The sunrise emits a different feeling to me. It's fresh, innocent... maybe even bashful at times. I love the feeling of the cool dew (even if it frizzes my hair) and how the earth seems to emerge from sleep as slowly as I do. When I walk around in the morning, I realize that every day is a unique creation-gift from God with new opportunities. I love the feeling of the early morning.

Anyway, I was also reflecting on my previous post. I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog except for Matt occasionally, but I realized that it might sound like I might be directing my frustration at certain people. It's truly intended for society and its peer pressure and fickleness. I saw myself being critical of other people's tastes today and definitely felt convicted. I'm a part of society, and to be "all things to all people" I think I need to recognize that a little conditioning is okay. I am God's, and that should be what defines me.

Well, Ringl and Cassie will be arriving in a couple of hours. I'm pretty excited--we're going to have a little dinner. I'm going home this weekend. Yay, it will be nice to hang out with people I don't get to see very often.

Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.

Psalm 57:8

Personality and its Conditioning

In one of my classes, we had to take a social style personality test. I scored close to the middle of all the personality styles, but leaned more towards the "Expressive" style. The only thing that is relevant to this blog is that this test highlighted to me that I am a people person.

I was thinking about how I always feel that I need to have some sort of interaction with people everyday otherwise I go kinda crazy. I really don't understand this need. Some people can go without social interaction and be fine. I started wishing that I was like that, but then God convicted me about that thought process. He made me a people person for a reason. My desire for interaction is a strength for His glory. I need to have faith that God will satisfy my need and use it for His purposes.

This whole realization process led me to another thought: I derive a lot of my definition of self-worth from what society tells me is "cool." I feel a need to dress a certain way, talk about certain things, etc. etc. etc. And what makes me laugh is that while I am be conditioned by status quo, I'm striving to be individualistic. What a paradox! I want to fit in while maintaining uniqueness. When I think about it like that, I realize that I will never be satisfied! My self-worth must be defined by my status as a unique creation and child of God otherwise I will continue on a path that circles down into perpetual discontentment.

Furthermore, something else I find sickening is that while we are trying to maintain individuality while fitting in, we jump on bandwagons called "trends." But, the stipulation is that you must straddle the wagon because if you put both legs in, then you will be too late because everyone else is already getting off this bandwagon in order to board the next and you will be labeled as a fan (or even fanatic) of uncool things. Everyone will make fun of you because you like certain music, movies, books, magazines, clothes, philosophers, pastors, colors, instruments, etc. etc. etc. Well, you know what: I find some strange things very cool and good. I think we can get so caught up in being the most forward thinking or the most conservative that we miss some really good things in some really good stuff (that is okay to like for your entire life or at least more than a year). Accountability is necessary, but I also think that open mindedness can be good.

So there, I will close with a passage that is resounding in my soul as something that I need to meditate on:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2: 5-11

Venting can create more anxiety

As I continue to ask God what keeps me from loving people without discrimination, He has confronted me with my "venting" about people or situations. When I teach Bible studies to youths, I always confront the issue of gossiping as wrong because it's like stealing the person's reputation. I have definitely been convicted about gossiping, and I was doing pretty well about avoiding that until recently. Venting is a way for me to get out frustration over people and situations. However, I am seeing that when I dwell in my frustration (sometimes just putting the frustrating ideas together is enough), my attitude towards people or situations becomes sour. I am noticing that I am picking out only bad things in people and situations when I should focus on good things.

Additionally, at large group for Intervarsity this week, we listened to testimonies about Sonburst, which is one of their semi-annual (I think) conferences. A resounding theme was freedom from sin. The staff person brought up an interesting point. We are oftentimes ruled by reacting to what other people do. We have the instinct of either fight or flight. When we let love rule our lives and attitudes, then we are no longer bound to the fight back or be a doormat responses. We can choose to love that person despite what he or she has done to us. I think this thought will certainly help me to understand what looking at other people through God's eyes means.

School is certainly dragging out. A little less than 2 months until graduation (I have a friend who keeps track every time we go to our really boring class). I got my graduation announcements in the mail yesterday. Every step brings the next stage of life a little bit closer. I am lucky graduate because God has given me a lot of direction for the next year. Nothing is finalized, and that can really discourage me sometimes, but that makes me rely on God more.

I found these verses so encouraging last night:

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!
Awake, my glory!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to You among the nations.

Psalm 57:7-9

Removing earth to create a foundation

I really enjoy going to Intervarsity Bible study. We are studying Jesus' teachings in Luke right now. We read the teachings about bearing good fruit and building the houses on weak/solid foundations. My Bible study leader, David, made a point that profoundly affected me: you have to remove the earth (digging deep) from the foundation for it to be solid. Basically, you have to remove things from your life that will weaken your spiritual growth.

To go along with this, God has been revealing things in my heart that keep me from loving people without discrimination. It's so easy for me to withhold my love from people who irritate me or who are strange. That's not how God loved people. I want to be like Jesus in that He was abundantly generous with His time and love. Slowly, God's been pointing out what areas I need to release bitterness or selfishness. It's going to be a tedious process, but I'm enjoying the results.


Life has been pretty busy so far. I'm enjoying my time exploring different ways to worship and getting to know people at Intervarsity. Senioritis is definitely kicking in. Graduation cannot come too soon.

Ethics and pre-nups

As a Business major, I am confronted with the issue of ethics in every class. Is it all right to bride lower-level officials if it is customary in that country? Is it all right to do anything for the sale if "pay roll" depends on it? There are so many choices, and I'm noticing that it comes from the conflict between morality and money. My Professional Selling professor told us that there is no "right" or "wrong," just what you can sleep with at night... but, to remember that everything has a consequence--good or bad. How interesting: you can have a good consequence right now or you can have long-term good consequences. It seems that integrity is being cheapened by the thought process of no absolutes. What a double standard: we demand integrity (particularly honesty) with our laws, yet we are teaching business students that it's always relative. More and more I see the importance of the commandments God gave the Israelites. Whoever said that the Bible is irrelevant because it's old obviously doesn't want to have to live up to its high standards.

Similarly, I heard a recurring theme from a couple of my professors about the importance of prenuptial agreements. The reverence of marriage is also being lost. I'm seeing more articles and things on TV about "starter marriages." I don't want that.


On a more positive note, the weather is changing, and it's feeling so wonderful outside. I'm excited for the fall!

Sunday school answers

I agreed to teach substitute for a 6th grade Sunday School class at TRBC this morning. I don't expect deepness... or even focus from 6th graders. What's even tougher is that the subject of today's lesson was about the Holy Spirit--a subject I didn't know or care about when I was in 6th grade. Since I was left bereft of any supplementary activity materials, I had them read passages out of the Bible. When we would "discuss" the meanings of the passages, I received the same, initial answer, "The Holy Spirit is always with us."

The significance of this observation stems from a blurb I heard on the local Christian radio station earlier that morning. It announcing a new ministry-connection point to help teens who are about to leave home remain faithful to the church. It has resources on various subjects about loneliness etc. that many teens struggle with once they are plucked from their comfortable church homes. I had to laugh. More programs. Speaking as one who is in the midst of the leaving-the-church-crisis, teens don't need to be taught more "Sunday school answers" to deal with emotional and spiritual problems. Some of these experiences are good. Imagine that. We should encourage teens to understand that their faith is something that is more than just what a Bible study or guest speaker can give you. Own your convictions. Repentance is more than just asking forgiveness. God wants obedience, not acrostics and pages of forgotten notes stuck in between Bible pages.

Well, anyway, I'll give an update about my life. God is so amazing. It seems that this past year, God has been making more sense out of life. Everything is coming together. I'm scared of change and commitment, but I know God will reward my obedience. This semester is going to be busy with new friends and classes. I'm starting to get more nervous about getting everything together for graduate school. I just gotta keep moving.

I'm pretty excited about seeing Matt at the end of the month. I miss him sooo much! So much to do, so little time!

So many options

I have decided to try new churches. I have faithfully attended Thomasville Road Baptist Church for almost the entire duration of my career at FSU. It's been a good church for me to plug into and try to make a difference, but sometimes, you just need to say, "good bye."

Why this sudden change? If you know me well, then you know that I have been struggling with this decision for several months now. I do not want to speak illy of TRBC. It's a good church with super awesome people. Change, however, is a good thing. If you never go out on faith, then you'll have a harder time trying to grow and hear God.

Shawna asked what I was looking for, and honestly, I hadn't really thought about it. So, I'm going to make a noninclusive, general list. What I'm looking for:

• Somewhere not strictly bound to protocol
• Praying is a very important part of everything
• Openness of the congregation

Moreover, you can reasonably assume that this leaves me with many options. Do not worry, I will have a different group in which I can serve, i.e. Intervarsity. Plus, I still have great roommates and great friends that encourage me daily.

I can feel the winds of change coming over me. Tallahassee has a refreshed appeal to me now, but I still feel somewhat out of place. God has a perfect plan for me, as Shawna reminded me. I just need to search it out and have faith in His guidance.